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| I've been sitting here at the computer just thinking of all the people whom I no longer talk to, many of whom are really important to me, but I've never said anything to them about it. I don't think some of these people realize just how important they are/were to me, and now I wonder if i'll ever see them again, or some if i'll ever communicate with them again. *sigh* it's just sad. Anyone left alone for too long without a sane person to talk to will really start to go crazy, i'm finding this out firsthand apparently. I guess in a way i'm forcing myself to deal with being alone to see what it really feels like. I have shows, movies, and books, and as much as I can find things that interest me, and people I think i'm connecting with, I am still alone. I think with all this technology we think we are connecting to people, but we're really not. I can count on 6 fingers the adult interaction that i've had in the last month. I'm not saying it should be quantity over quality, by no means is that what i'm saying, but i'm just realizing that for the 6th time in my adult life i've had to pick up and move and leave friends. The first few times it was exciting moving to a new place. I was always optimistic that I would see my friends again. Some of them I have. I have always made friends rather quickly when I get to a new place, but this has been different. Is it because i'm older now, or because I have a base of friends here from 10 or more years ago? I don't know. I have a few good friends right now and I should just count myself lucky, but when I think back to other places, but most importantly, another time that I can never visit, I just get really sad about how many great people I had in my life. Some of them are mere acquaintances on facebook now, which is not cool! But better than not having any contact with them at all, but it just makes me think that my life is extremely sad and pathetic right now. Pity party! I haven't had my weed in a few days, that has to be it! | | |
| I don't do much rambling on this site, I had reserved it for the poetry that expressed a lot of the turmoil that was going on for me at the time....more than two years ago.
But now i'm back, it's over two years later and i've had a lot of time to think, learn, and grow as my own person.
Some of the main things i've learned and hope to never forget are:
.... to trust my instincts. If i'm feeling a certain way, then there must be a reason for it.
...that i'm entitled to my feelings and opinions regarding my own life. I will express them to you whether you want to hear it or not, whether you think i'm right or wrong.
...that I have a certain standard that I expect in my life and my relationships. I deserve the very best. I will not let my past relationships dictate the caliber of relationship I deserve now and in the future.
....that while it might be hard to be on my own, in certain situations it is the right thing to do and is better than being taken for granted, being neglected, and treated with mediocrity.
So, with that said, i'm going through and giving some more insight to my poems, I think the wounds have healed enough to where I can be back on here and remember some of those feelings I had and where it led me to.
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| hmm...first post in a couple months. I thought I was ok for a few months, or am I ok now? I'm not sure. Either way, there is not much I can do about it, what the hell is "ok" anyway?
Poetic illusions belong nowhere in sight
of the realistic banter that we call life
Fantasy, fulfillment, and stagnant delusion
shall best remain trapped in the sphere of mind
Remaining as thoughts, there they are safe
from being disfigured by actuality
This one is pretty self explanatory-what I want to know, and not sure if i'll ever figure it out is, even though I feel this way, as I'm sure we all have before, does that mean we stop attempting to find poetic moments in our lives to hold on to? Do we just assume and expect that everything that makes us happy will eventually have a cruel reality waiting for us, that life is ever changing, so do we just keep the good moments tucked away inside our heads, and just know, that something out there made us truly happy at one point? I don't know. I suppose. I guess what I have learned is this: Don't try to live in the past, don't expect too much from the future, and expect any immense happiness to be balanced out by immense sadness and pain. Sometimes over time, sometimes suddenly. The rest, is all mediocrity.
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I can’t gather my thoughts enough
to figure out what I want to say
I want to be blunt and to the point
But I cant
This game will have to suffice
It’s a whirlwind of emotions that come and go
One day I’m fine
The next I’m a mess
If only I knew if it were real or imagined
Either way to no fault of your own
The things I see written
If directed at me, I wish I knew
but it's probably just another imagined entity,
or not?
Nothing makes sense anymore
but was it supposed to?
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| Ok, I've added a commentary here and there and some "hints" about certain poems. You have to go through and find which ones. That is my sneaky way of making you re-read somethign you either a. thought you understood, or b. didnt understand and said fuck this chick's crappy writing. The rest of the poems I thought you all should stew some more and figure out what the hell i'm trying to say. | | |
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